Sometimes I just want to run away for a little while, for a chance to remember who I am. Because I'm pretty sure I've forgotten.
I used to have a professional life where I was really good at what I did and I felt accomplished. I was proud of my skills and I enjoyed the recognition I received from my peers and managers. I worked hard and learned so much in the four and half years I was with AOL. It's been almost 2 years since we all got laid off ... and I feel so out of touch. Like I've lost part of who I was ... who I want to be. And I feel guilty for feeling this way.
One of the biggest lies that experienced mothers tell new mothers is "it gets easier." I know that by "easier" they mean you'll eventually sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time, and that your baby will outgrow the colicky crying fits, and that you will figure out what to do with your newborn through trial and error until you find a way that works best for you. So yes, in that sense it does get "easier" ... once everybody starts sleeping through the night again.
But it doesn't get easier. It gets harder. More mentally challenging trying to put out fires before they begin, i.e. "Having eyes in the back of your head" for those times that your kid reaches for the cat's water dish to dump it everywhere. And more trying on your patience, for those times when you have to physically restrain your kid to change their diaper or secure them into their car seats while they're kicking and screaming. And my kid is only 19 months old, so I know I ain't seen nothin' yet ...
I'm glad I had the opportunity to stay home with Brandt during his early months and throughout his first year. I wonder, though, if he needs more than I can give him. Does he need more stimulation, more educational opportunities, more socialization? Do I need the same? Would it make me a better mother to have a career outside of my home? Would I feel more fulfilled? Or would I only feel guilty ...
And this isn't about whether or not I love my son, or me complaining that he can be difficult at times. This is just my reality - the internal conflict that I experience countless times a day. I don't think it will ever go away.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Seeing Spots
So this has been my week:
1. Eye pain
2. Back pain
3. Debilitating back pain
4. Red spots
These have been the doctors I have gone to:
1. Optometrist
2. Urgent Care
3. Nurse Practitioner
4. Chiropractor
5. Nurse Practitioner
6. Dermatologist
Urgent care was useless. They acted as if I was wasting their time by complaining of something so boring (back pain). They acted like I was making something out of nothing and that my back pain was just because I have a toddler that I carry around too much. Suck it up. Take some vicodin, muscle relaxers and call it a night. Way to give a crap and actually listen to what I have to say.
The nurse practitioner was a lot better. She listened to me, looked at my back, felt around and she could immediately tell that I had thrown my back out of alignment. She recommended I see a chiropractor. Even though she couldn't "fix" me, at least she seemed concerned and acknowledged my complaints.
After I left the chiropractor I felt like I had never even had back pain at all. I know some people are skeptical, and some people (Joe) are creeped out by the cracking and popping during a chiropractic adjustment, but let me tell you ... I am a believer. The days leading up to my visit with Dr. Aragon were filled with shooting back pain, burning, aching, sometime debilitating pain. My friend Lindsey described that type of pain best by saying, "it makes you want to leave your body." Yes. After my positive experience with chiropractic care this week, I can assure you I am making a commitment to get adjusted regularly. I do not want to have that pain ever again.
So all is finally well .... until Wednesday evening. I get out of the shower to get ready for work and notice some red bumps all over my arms and legs. I had noticed the bumps on my legs earlier in the week and decided it was just razor burn and I needed to stop being so cheap and buy a new razor. Except the bumps were no longer confined to my legs. The tricep area of my arms had bumps. And I noticed the bumps on my legs had spread to my upper thigh (an area that is hardly ever shaved, much to my husband's annoyance). Oh look, the red spots are on my butt, too. Nice.
Friday morning I go to the nurse practitioner again and they immediately tell me to see a dermatologist, since the spots are all over my arms, legs, butt, tummy, hands ... I seriously look like I have chicken pox, except I've been vaccinated for that (because I never had them as a kid) and they don't itch.
Finally, the Physician's Assistant at the dermatologist's office looks me over, asks me a few questions and then tells me she's going to get the doctor to come take a look. Great. Let's charge admission and call it a freak show while we're at it. Anyway, the doctor comes in, they discuss, and it is decided. My diagnosis is ....
A viral infection.
Joe and Brandt got the upper respiratory version and I get the spots. Which is worse? A head cold, or looking like a freaking leper? At least my spots aren't contagious. I will just wear pants and long sleeves until I look normal again.
1. Eye pain
2. Back pain
3. Debilitating back pain
4. Red spots
These have been the doctors I have gone to:
1. Optometrist
2. Urgent Care
3. Nurse Practitioner
4. Chiropractor
5. Nurse Practitioner
6. Dermatologist
Urgent care was useless. They acted as if I was wasting their time by complaining of something so boring (back pain). They acted like I was making something out of nothing and that my back pain was just because I have a toddler that I carry around too much. Suck it up. Take some vicodin, muscle relaxers and call it a night. Way to give a crap and actually listen to what I have to say.
The nurse practitioner was a lot better. She listened to me, looked at my back, felt around and she could immediately tell that I had thrown my back out of alignment. She recommended I see a chiropractor. Even though she couldn't "fix" me, at least she seemed concerned and acknowledged my complaints.
After I left the chiropractor I felt like I had never even had back pain at all. I know some people are skeptical, and some people (Joe) are creeped out by the cracking and popping during a chiropractic adjustment, but let me tell you ... I am a believer. The days leading up to my visit with Dr. Aragon were filled with shooting back pain, burning, aching, sometime debilitating pain. My friend Lindsey described that type of pain best by saying, "it makes you want to leave your body." Yes. After my positive experience with chiropractic care this week, I can assure you I am making a commitment to get adjusted regularly. I do not want to have that pain ever again.
So all is finally well .... until Wednesday evening. I get out of the shower to get ready for work and notice some red bumps all over my arms and legs. I had noticed the bumps on my legs earlier in the week and decided it was just razor burn and I needed to stop being so cheap and buy a new razor. Except the bumps were no longer confined to my legs. The tricep area of my arms had bumps. And I noticed the bumps on my legs had spread to my upper thigh (an area that is hardly ever shaved, much to my husband's annoyance). Oh look, the red spots are on my butt, too. Nice.
Friday morning I go to the nurse practitioner again and they immediately tell me to see a dermatologist, since the spots are all over my arms, legs, butt, tummy, hands ... I seriously look like I have chicken pox, except I've been vaccinated for that (because I never had them as a kid) and they don't itch.
Finally, the Physician's Assistant at the dermatologist's office looks me over, asks me a few questions and then tells me she's going to get the doctor to come take a look. Great. Let's charge admission and call it a freak show while we're at it. Anyway, the doctor comes in, they discuss, and it is decided. My diagnosis is ....
A viral infection.
Joe and Brandt got the upper respiratory version and I get the spots. Which is worse? A head cold, or looking like a freaking leper? At least my spots aren't contagious. I will just wear pants and long sleeves until I look normal again.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Pain In the Neck
And back ... and eyes.
Ugh with a capital "I FEEL LIKE CRAP!"
Saturday started with the eye pain, which I assumed was just a subtle way for my eyes to tell me to take my freaking contacts out already. I ignored the hint. Sunday morning my eyes hurt even worse so I finally caved and took out my contacts. I wore my glasses to work and made do. My eyes still hurt today so I have no idea what the heck is going on. It's not pain in my eyeball, but more of a dull & achy pain in the socket. And it especially smarts when I move my eyes up and down or side to side. So I've become very good at turning my whole head to look at things. Might call the optometrist Tuesday.
Sunday started with the back pain. I worked all day and by the time I left work my upper back underneath my right shoulder was quite tender. I put the heating pad on it before bed which I guess helped a little. But his morning, thanks to both eye and back pain I felt pretty miserable. I called a local massage place that was luckily open and went at 10am for a quick massage. And by massage I don't mean the relaxing, here's a cup of cucumber water while you wait for your appointment in our plush spa robe. I told the therapist what hurt and she dug in and went for it. There was nothing relaxing about it. I knew it was all meant to "fix" my back, but good Lord it wasn't pleasant. And I was sore the rest of the day.
I hope tomorrow is better.
Ugh with a capital "I FEEL LIKE CRAP!"
Saturday started with the eye pain, which I assumed was just a subtle way for my eyes to tell me to take my freaking contacts out already. I ignored the hint. Sunday morning my eyes hurt even worse so I finally caved and took out my contacts. I wore my glasses to work and made do. My eyes still hurt today so I have no idea what the heck is going on. It's not pain in my eyeball, but more of a dull & achy pain in the socket. And it especially smarts when I move my eyes up and down or side to side. So I've become very good at turning my whole head to look at things. Might call the optometrist Tuesday.
Sunday started with the back pain. I worked all day and by the time I left work my upper back underneath my right shoulder was quite tender. I put the heating pad on it before bed which I guess helped a little. But his morning, thanks to both eye and back pain I felt pretty miserable. I called a local massage place that was luckily open and went at 10am for a quick massage. And by massage I don't mean the relaxing, here's a cup of cucumber water while you wait for your appointment in our plush spa robe. I told the therapist what hurt and she dug in and went for it. There was nothing relaxing about it. I knew it was all meant to "fix" my back, but good Lord it wasn't pleasant. And I was sore the rest of the day.
I hope tomorrow is better.
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