On a Scale of 1 to 10

Ten being the best day you've ever had and one being the worst. That's how they asked me to rate my day when I attended the postpartum support group.

Today is a 4. Crappy sleep last night, I think I got a solid one hour early in the night, then a few 30 minute intervals thrown in until 5am when I fed Lillian again. Breastfeeding totally sucks in the first few weeks and I kind of forgot that. My anxiety level is up again, and I know it take a few weeks for the Lexapro to kick in so I'm not expecting miracles overnight.

My parents left a few hours ago, so when B wakes up from his nap I will be on my own until Joe gets home. I got dressed so I could take a walk with both kids because I NEED to get out of the house, and technically I'm not supposed to drive until Monday (2 weeks after my c-section).

I don't like anxiety.

Making New Friends

I started taking Lexapro yesterday because my feelings of anxiety and sadness were so intense on Sunday and Monday. I was really scared with how I felt. I realize a lot of it has to do with hormones after having a baby, but the anxiety was so much worse this time than with Brandt.

I also started going to a postpartum support group and it was nice to talk to other moms that are working through similar situations and feelings. I really want to feel "normal" soon, because at times my anxiety and sadness is almost debilitating ... where I just sit on the couch and don't know what to do next, feeling completely clueless and terrified.

I guess my temperament and personality aren't really suited for coping with this kind of stress. Some women are super moms and transition perfectly from one to two children. That is not me. It will take time for me to get into a routine and figure out what works best for me and them. But I know it will work out ... I just wish it would work out sooner rather than later.

Week 2

Today started off better ... so far. We got decent sleep last night, as in Lillian slept on Joe from 10 - 12:30, then on me from 12:30 - 2am. Luckily both of us can mostly sleep while we're holding her in the chair, even though it's not the greatest sleep. She ate from 2am - 2:45 including a diaper change, but then she wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of us held her, so I slept holding her until 5am. I tried really hard to get her to sleep in bed with us but she wouldn't have any part of that, so we just held her in the glider while it was fully reclined. My back and neck hurt a bit from that. We also tried the swing, which works marvelously during the day but for some reason she hates it at night. Yay.

Joe goes back to work today. My parents are coming to help with Brandt, mostly to keep him occupied while I'm taking care of Lillian. B has started showing signs of frustration. He has been really good, I mean REALLY good with Lillian and the new baby concept so far. Just this morning, though, I noticed that he has started rejecting me and favors Joe more. He didn't want me to sit next to him on the couch. He also is a little jealous if Joe holds Lillian, I think he has decided that the new roles are Daddy & Brandt, and then Mommy & Lillian. I know this will change over time, and he is still really good about the chaos that has been thrown at him the past few days.

I ate two pieces of toast for breakfast ... yay! Yesterday I only had 4 bites. My dad is bringing gatorade over because I know I need to drink more fluids and gatorade tastes better than water, although I still try to drink as many glasses of water as I can.

Boobs are still sore, but the meeting with the lactation consultant went well and she confirmed that I am doing mostly everything right. I just have to make sure Lillian latches on well so I can start to heal. They are also really sore from getting engorged. The first few days at home I was nursing her all the time, so they kept producing milk. Now I'm trying to go 2-3 hours between feedings and by the 1 hour 45 minute mark I get REALLY sore and full. We'll get the routine down soon. I plan to go to the breastfeeding support group next week. That group saved my life when B was a newborn, and I met several wonderful women from it. Luckily the group meets when B is in preschool so I don't have to worry about getting someone to watch him when I go.

I feel less sad today but I'm still going to the doctor this afternoon. The feelings I had the past 2-3 days scared the crap out of me and really made me worry about my emotional and physical well-being. Because I felt hopeless and detached and scared and anxious and so many more feelings that are hard to put into words. Despair is a good word. Which isn't something new moms like to admit because it's supposed to be such a happy time.

But, my friend Lindsey keeps telling me to remind myself that this won't last forever, that I've gotten through it before and I will get through it again. And that I need to repeat that to myself when I'm at my most broken.

Deep breath for the day.

Like a Ton of Bricks

1 week post partum is hitting really hard. I'm barely holding it together. I have an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow afternoon and I hope it helps to talk with her about all my feelings. I honestly don't know how people get through this, other than they do so I know I will too. But when you're in the middle of it, it truly sucks. I feel like I can barely function, trying to take care of a newborn without feeling guilty for not spending time with B. She hasn't been sleeping at night and seems to want to eat every freaking hour from 10pm - 4am. I just want to sleep for 2 hours uninterrupted. I have no appetite and I know I need to eat but nothing sounds good. Yesterday I ate two cinnamon rolls and a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. So far this morning I have had 4 bites of toast. My boobs are sore and bruised and I'm going to call a lactation consultant today to try to fix the damage that has been done. Mostly I just need to get out of the house. I'm going to get dressed now and take B on his tricycle around the neighborhood while I push her in the stroller. Hopefully that helps.

I forgot how emotionally draining this is, and I can honestly say this will be my last child.

Last Call for Bober, Party of 3

Surreal. I have no idea how things are going to change Monday morning, except that it's going to be a lot. This is our last weekend of just the three of us, and so far all we have done is get vaccinated against the pig flu. Which was an agonizing decision for me since it's such a new vaccine and I don't fully know what the potential side effects are. But I did speak with a nurse at the hospital, who called the OB on-call who said it wouldn't be a bad idea to get B vaccinated since he goes to school a few days a week and has a higher possibility of being exposed. I just worry about having a newborn in the house and someone bringing H1N1 in close proximity. I'm trying to feel like I made the right decision getting us vaccinated.

As far as the rest of the weekend, we're really not sure about what to do other than spend time hanging out. Which isn't different from any other weekend, except Joe and I know this will be the last one of just the three of us. B doesn't fully grasp the baby sister concept, although I think he understands more than I had previously given him credit for. Joe and I might go to Sakura on Sunday for dinner, since that's where we went the night before B's scheduled c-section. And although I can't indulge in any sushi, I still enjoy the teppan yaki.

I have a ton of laundry to do, the nursery to finalize, the hospital bag to complete, and last minute grocery shopping ... and a bunch of other little things I'm sure. I really just need to get started, because once I get going it gets done pretty quickly ... it's just the getting started part that feels overwhelming.

I will post about the c-section once the loopy narcotics wear off. I'm really hoping to not be completely out of it all day Monday like I was after B's birth.

I'm so excited but also scared out of my mind.

Scheduled, For the Most Part

My repeat c-section is scheduled for Monday, October 19th at 7:30am. When I left the doctor yesterday we had agreed on Tuesday the 20th, but I guess that was just a tentative plan until she confirmed with the hospital. So now I'm officially having this baby on the 19th. Unless I go into labor before then, fingers crossed that doesn't happen.

That's less than 10 days away.

I installed the infant car seat today so B could get used to the idea of sharing the backseat. I still haven't washed any clothes or blankets yet because I'm waiting for the dresser to be moved into her room after we upgrade B to his new dresser. I have to set up a mini changing area in our bedroom for those first few weeks of bleary-eyed nighttime diaper changes and feedings. I do have the bassinet set up in our room, so B is mostly used to that. Although the cat is trying really hard to get himself banished from the bedroom since he has, on several occasions, tried to use it as a scratching post.

I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am, which will be sad to say goodbye to Brandt that early. He will want to come with us and he won't be able to visit me in the hospital AT ALL because of flu season. I have never been away from him longer than 12 hours, which is kind of depressing on my part, but this time I will be really sad to leave him because I won't see him again for 4 days. And when I return with "baby sister" I hope he won't be mad/sad at me.

Speaking of "baby sister," we still don't have a name. Much to my mother's annoyance because she is dying to know, and very frustrated that I won't even give her a top 5 list of names we are considering. But with B we didn't decide until day 2 in the hospital so she really shouldn't be surprised that we haven't settled on a name yet. I mean the baby will get named, it just won't be official until I fill out the birth certificate papers. So Joe and I still have 10 or 11 days to discuss more options. Feel free to throw out a few suggestions, unless you are my mom, in which case I still have the multiple email suggestions you've already sent.

Holy crap, we're having another baby.

Worries

We're back to dealing with crappy sleep. I don't know why, but the past few nights B has been waking up several times. Luckily Joe still gets up with him so I can stay in bed, but I'm getting annoyed that he's back to broken sleep. He's also a lot whinier, too, probably because he's not getting enough sleep and he's tired. The whining is soooooo irritating. Nails on a chalkboard.

And I'm starting to worry about this H1N1 paranoia. There has been a report that one little girl had it and was at the child care facility at the gym I went to ... and where one of my friends currently goes and brings her 2 year old. I wanted to avoid getting the H1N1 vaccine because it's so new, but now I'm worried I'm going to have to lock myself in my house after the baby is born so I don't get contaminated. And what if B gets it at school? I'm not so worried about me getting sick, as much as I worry about B and a newborn ...

Which brings me to my next topic: hospital visitors. The hospital where I'll have the baby has a strict policy for flu season that no children under the age of 12 can visit. Regardless if they're siblings. So B can't visit me or baby sister in the hospital. Which is a little sad, but now I'm starting to think I should limit visitors entirely. Only select family can visit in the hospital, and don't even think of walking into my house without drowning your hands in the sanitizer that will be conveniently located near the front door. I might get medical masks, too ... or is that going too far?

Up until I heard about this local case of H1N1 I was pretty laid back with my feelings about it, but now that it's a real possibility and pretty close to home I'm getting nervous. I just don't want to go crazy locked inside my house, because it was bad enough when I had B in February and I hardly went anywhere ... I don't know if I could do it during the winter.

Still In Progress

This is a picture of the cornice that my grandfather made for the window. He's 87 and still loves to do carpentry work. My dad and I painted it, and then I installed it all by myself. Just kidding. My dad did most of the installation with me and my mom helping here and there. I think it looks really nice in the room.

Haven't Met You Yet

His new album comes out this week!

Getting Bedder

Brandt has been sleeping through the night the past 3-4 nights and I have a theory. We finally got his new bed (thanks to my father-in-law) so his mattress is no longer on the floor. At first I thought this would freak him out even more because he's now 2 feet off the floor but so far it's only seemed to help the situation. I didn't even get a guard rail for the side, we just put pillows on the floor in case he rolls off ... which he hasn't yet.

And I LOVE his bed because of all the storage. There are 3 drawers, which I will use for B's toys, but there is also empty space behind the drawers that I can fill with stuff I need to keep but don't need to access frequently. I've already filled up that space. Now I just have to go through B's toys to re-organize them into the drawers. Here's a picture of the bed:

So far we just have the bed built, but Joe plans to put the headboard together today. My mom & dad got us the matching dresser and they will be bringing it down in a week or so, that way I can put all of B's clothes in there and move the other dresser into the baby's room. I still have a bunch to do in the nursery because I'm waiting for that dresser so I can finally put everything away. Right now it's just in boxes on the floor and in piles in the crib. My parents and I put the cornice above the window, though, so that's done. I'll post a picture of the nursery once it's finally put together. I can't believe I will have this baby in just over 2 weeks! NUTS! She'll be arriving sometime during the week of the 19th, since I will be scheduling another c-section or an induction. We only have 3 more weekends of just the three of us. It's hard to imagine how much things are going to change, but we will go with the flow. My goal is to not be as uptight and anxious this time. I'll let you know how it goes.