Light At the End of the Tunnel?

I'm not seeing it. I know it's there, but right now all I see is pitch black.

She's not sleeping longer than 3 hours at night, and when she wakes up the second time to eat (usually around 3 or 4 am) I CANNOT GET HER BACK TO SLEEP! This morning I was up with her from 4am to 5:45am. And when she finally stayed down I couldn't go back to sleep because B was up and Joe had to get ready for work.

I'm yawning right now.

I know it will get better and she will start sleeping longer, but right now it feels like an eternity away. I remember that Brandt would always go right back to sleep after nursing, but she doesn't do that. The book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child says that fussiness peaks at 6 weeks, and starting now a baby's sleep patterns should start to even out. I'm hoping it gets easier from this point on, but who the hell knows. But I can tell you one thing for sure: Lexapro works.

A Sneak Peak

Comfort

I crave comfort foods lately. Meaning carbs. And sweets. I know I'm not losing any weight this way, but I figure I'm still in the post partum 6 week period so I shouldn't worry about it. And I'm enjoying the food while I can, because sooner or later I will have to get my act together and watch what I eat and exercise more.

But does bouncing around the kitchen at 1am while rocking a newborn for an hour count as exercise?

I am extremely thankful for a healthy family and good friends. Joe and I are very fortunate to have each other, because we work really well together. And we have two wonderful children, one that amazes me everyday with how much he is learning. And the other ... well, she's working toward sleeping longer than 3.5 hours at night. And when she does that I will be truly thankful.

I Am Fascinated

With the Duggar Family. I watch the show 18 Kids and Counting and am completely fascinated with how this family operates. This woman is super woman & super mom, I cannot even imagine 18 children. I realize the older kids take care of the younger kids to help out, but still! How does she do it?! Homeschooling ... teaching all the children how to play piano & violin ... always staying so calm & happy?!? All without a TV!

As I sit here on the couch watching television while both kids are napping instead of putting the laundry away.

Slacking

I know I haven't been good about posting regular pictures of Brandt and Lillian, but let me tell you ... it's been crazy here lately. Lillian has decided that she really wants to nap during the day except she doesn't exactly want to FALL ASLEEP. So she gets super fussy and cranky and I end up rocking her for 20-30 minutes at a time to get her to sleep. Once I put her down, I usually get 10 minutes before she wakes up completely pissed off. So, yeah. Not getting a lot done.

This morning to get B to school I left early so I could drive around with her to get her to sleep. Now she's sleeping in her carseat and I'm hoping I have enough time to balance the checkbook. And I just made myself another pot of coffee. Decaf.

On an unrelated note, I'm completely obsessed with the new Lady GaGa song. The only performance I managed to watch on the AMA's on Sunday night.

New Swing

We got a new swing yesterday, thanks to a $25 BRU gift card I had received and my parents. I got the boppy one that I posted earlier, and although it's small because it's a travel swing, it seems to do the trick. I also like that it's portable, because then I'll be able to move it to different rooms easily and possibly take it to Phoenix if I ever venture up there with both kids in the near future. And it goes to 25 pounds, so I should be able to use it for a while.

AND! Lillian slept from 8pm - 12:50am!! So I got some good sleep. And then she went right back to sleep in the swing after I fed her. So no more being up for 1.5 hours trying to get her back down. Well, at least last night. We'll see what happens going forward, because I never know how the nights will go.

I like the swing so far because it has a timer, so it automatically turns off after a certain amount of time. That way you don't run through batteries every other day. And she's happily napping in it right now!

And Joe took B to College Game Day at the U of A (Go Cats!), so I have time to get things done :)

A Slow Death

Our baby swing died this morning at 5:15am. Lillian had woken up at 4:45 and I was hoping to use it to put her back to sleep. I set her down and turned it on then went to the bathroom. While I was in there I heard the swing take it's last breath, or more literally, make it's last grunt. It had been making funny noises for the past few weeks, but I just thought the batteries were on their way out. And the music had stopped working a while ago, but once again I figured it was related to crappy batteries. At 5:30 this morning when I was using a screw driver to unhinge the back and replace the batteries, I discovered that new batteries were pointless. I jiggled them, rolled them, double & triple checked that I had put them in correctly. The swing didn't budge. Not even a little click came out of it.

To be fair, we did use this swing with Brandt, but I thought we'd get more use out of it. So do I got out and get a new one or suffer through without and hope Lillian learns to sleep without it sooner rather than later?

I'm thinking of this one, because we're not going to get the $150 one that just croaked on us (similar to this one). Any suggestions?

I Find it Funny

That people who live in southern Arizona feel the need to dress for snow just because it's 50 degrees in the morning, knowing full well that by 11:30am it will be over 70. Do you really need to put that fleece coat on your kid? Although they could be looking at me with my kid dressed in shorts and a t-shirt and think I'm a horribly neglectful mother. But really I'm just lazy.

Bedtime Protests

I have no idea what happened but last night and tonight Lillian has fought sleep like nobody's business. She gets so fussy and tired and I try to bounce her and rock her and swaddle her and all three at the same time, but she wants no part of it. I know she's tired but she can't calm down, which might be my fault if she's overtired, but she wakes up at 7pm and I feed her and get her ready for bed and then start the whole bedtime process by 7:35/7:40, so it's not like she's been awake for 3 hours. I even tried to drive around with her tonight and that didn't work. I can't nurse her to sleep (sadly) because when she doesn't want to eat anymore she makes it very clear. Ugh! I just want to get into a decent bedtime routine and it's not happening. Although I know it's still early, since she's only 4 weeks old. I can't remember when we got B into a bedtime routine but I know once we did it worked like clockwork.

I feel bad admitting this, but I want time to pass quickly because I don't enjoy the newborn phase very much. I'd like to fast forward to 4-5 months old, when the babies start to smile and laugh, and when they actually have some sort of predictable sleep routine. And last night I was up with Lillian for almost three hours trying to get her back to sleep after I fed her. It's so frustrating. I just want to sleep again.

Christmas Outfits

I got Lillian hers yesterday. Nothing too fancy, just a little sweater dress from Target. My mom is getting some tights and already has some black shoes. I'm still working on Brandt's outfit. I plan to take our Christmas card pictures sometime this month because Costco has a coupon for $5 off your first set of photo cards (before Nov. 29th), and although they are already super cheap, I would really like to get them even cheaper.

3 Weeks

Lillian is 3 weeks old today and I'm feeling really good. Probably the Lexapro, but I'm totally fine with admitting that. I feel better on the medication, and after my doctor appointment today I will probably be on it for the next 6 weeks to 3 months. Joe has also admitted that he likes me on drugs, so hopefully when my doctor "weans" me off the Lexapro I won't go completely nuts again.

I've lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks, but sadly I have at least another 25 to go. So much for not gaining a lot of weight with my 2nd pregnancy. I didn't gain 60 pounds like I did with Brandt, but I sure got close. I won't pretend that the weight just falls off (like the celebrities claim) with breastfeeding, although nursing does burn up to 500 calories a day. But it also makes me super hungry all the time, and I've been eating a ton of carbs lately so these last 25 pounds aren't going to melt off any time soon. But like my friend, Gina, said ... I've lost it once and I can do it again. It might just take the next 7-12 months to do it. And I'm really looking forward to going back to the gym, although I will probably have to wait until the first of the year.

Lillian slept for 5 hours last night, from 7:15 - 12:15. And since I go to bed as soon as she does, I got about 4.5 solid hours of sleep. Then another 2, and another 1.5 ... so I'm feeling a lot more rested than I felt when Brandt was a newborn. And that's almost a necessity in order to take care of B during the day. I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind if I had to exist on 3-4 hours of total sleep per 24 hours.

Brandt has been doing well with Lillian, although he's definitely testing more boundaries because he wants more attention. He also knows I can't always get to him right away so he will act out while I'm nursing Lillian or changing her. I know it's only going to get more challenging but for right now I feel like I can handle it. But once again, that might be the Lexapro :)

Funny thing about anti-depressants. Once you start taking them, and admitting to others that you take them, you suddenly find out that so many people are also taking them. It's a bigger club than I thought.

Dailies

In an effort to make sure I take pictures of Lillian I decided to post daily pictures of both kids. Actually Joe gave me the idea, so I will give him credit. See pictures on the right.

Improvements

Since I don't have a bunch of time for a more in depth post, here's the latest:

I'm doing a lot better. I don't know if it is the Lexapro kicking in, or that my hormone crash has somewhat stabilized, or that I'm getting some version of decent sleep. Probably all three. But I feel more confident in my ability to make it through the day by myself, and although my dad has been in town the past few days, I got through Tuesday all by myself without his help. So that's good.

But I wanted to post a little update so no one thinks I've completely lost my mind, or that I've been committed. I am doing a lot better.