3 Weeks

Lillian is 3 weeks old today and I'm feeling really good. Probably the Lexapro, but I'm totally fine with admitting that. I feel better on the medication, and after my doctor appointment today I will probably be on it for the next 6 weeks to 3 months. Joe has also admitted that he likes me on drugs, so hopefully when my doctor "weans" me off the Lexapro I won't go completely nuts again.

I've lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks, but sadly I have at least another 25 to go. So much for not gaining a lot of weight with my 2nd pregnancy. I didn't gain 60 pounds like I did with Brandt, but I sure got close. I won't pretend that the weight just falls off (like the celebrities claim) with breastfeeding, although nursing does burn up to 500 calories a day. But it also makes me super hungry all the time, and I've been eating a ton of carbs lately so these last 25 pounds aren't going to melt off any time soon. But like my friend, Gina, said ... I've lost it once and I can do it again. It might just take the next 7-12 months to do it. And I'm really looking forward to going back to the gym, although I will probably have to wait until the first of the year.

Lillian slept for 5 hours last night, from 7:15 - 12:15. And since I go to bed as soon as she does, I got about 4.5 solid hours of sleep. Then another 2, and another 1.5 ... so I'm feeling a lot more rested than I felt when Brandt was a newborn. And that's almost a necessity in order to take care of B during the day. I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind if I had to exist on 3-4 hours of total sleep per 24 hours.

Brandt has been doing well with Lillian, although he's definitely testing more boundaries because he wants more attention. He also knows I can't always get to him right away so he will act out while I'm nursing Lillian or changing her. I know it's only going to get more challenging but for right now I feel like I can handle it. But once again, that might be the Lexapro :)

Funny thing about anti-depressants. Once you start taking them, and admitting to others that you take them, you suddenly find out that so many people are also taking them. It's a bigger club than I thought.

Dailies

In an effort to make sure I take pictures of Lillian I decided to post daily pictures of both kids. Actually Joe gave me the idea, so I will give him credit. See pictures on the right.

Improvements

Since I don't have a bunch of time for a more in depth post, here's the latest:

I'm doing a lot better. I don't know if it is the Lexapro kicking in, or that my hormone crash has somewhat stabilized, or that I'm getting some version of decent sleep. Probably all three. But I feel more confident in my ability to make it through the day by myself, and although my dad has been in town the past few days, I got through Tuesday all by myself without his help. So that's good.

But I wanted to post a little update so no one thinks I've completely lost my mind, or that I've been committed. I am doing a lot better.

On a Scale of 1 to 10

Ten being the best day you've ever had and one being the worst. That's how they asked me to rate my day when I attended the postpartum support group.

Today is a 4. Crappy sleep last night, I think I got a solid one hour early in the night, then a few 30 minute intervals thrown in until 5am when I fed Lillian again. Breastfeeding totally sucks in the first few weeks and I kind of forgot that. My anxiety level is up again, and I know it take a few weeks for the Lexapro to kick in so I'm not expecting miracles overnight.

My parents left a few hours ago, so when B wakes up from his nap I will be on my own until Joe gets home. I got dressed so I could take a walk with both kids because I NEED to get out of the house, and technically I'm not supposed to drive until Monday (2 weeks after my c-section).

I don't like anxiety.

Making New Friends

I started taking Lexapro yesterday because my feelings of anxiety and sadness were so intense on Sunday and Monday. I was really scared with how I felt. I realize a lot of it has to do with hormones after having a baby, but the anxiety was so much worse this time than with Brandt.

I also started going to a postpartum support group and it was nice to talk to other moms that are working through similar situations and feelings. I really want to feel "normal" soon, because at times my anxiety and sadness is almost debilitating ... where I just sit on the couch and don't know what to do next, feeling completely clueless and terrified.

I guess my temperament and personality aren't really suited for coping with this kind of stress. Some women are super moms and transition perfectly from one to two children. That is not me. It will take time for me to get into a routine and figure out what works best for me and them. But I know it will work out ... I just wish it would work out sooner rather than later.

Week 2

Today started off better ... so far. We got decent sleep last night, as in Lillian slept on Joe from 10 - 12:30, then on me from 12:30 - 2am. Luckily both of us can mostly sleep while we're holding her in the chair, even though it's not the greatest sleep. She ate from 2am - 2:45 including a diaper change, but then she wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of us held her, so I slept holding her until 5am. I tried really hard to get her to sleep in bed with us but she wouldn't have any part of that, so we just held her in the glider while it was fully reclined. My back and neck hurt a bit from that. We also tried the swing, which works marvelously during the day but for some reason she hates it at night. Yay.

Joe goes back to work today. My parents are coming to help with Brandt, mostly to keep him occupied while I'm taking care of Lillian. B has started showing signs of frustration. He has been really good, I mean REALLY good with Lillian and the new baby concept so far. Just this morning, though, I noticed that he has started rejecting me and favors Joe more. He didn't want me to sit next to him on the couch. He also is a little jealous if Joe holds Lillian, I think he has decided that the new roles are Daddy & Brandt, and then Mommy & Lillian. I know this will change over time, and he is still really good about the chaos that has been thrown at him the past few days.

I ate two pieces of toast for breakfast ... yay! Yesterday I only had 4 bites. My dad is bringing gatorade over because I know I need to drink more fluids and gatorade tastes better than water, although I still try to drink as many glasses of water as I can.

Boobs are still sore, but the meeting with the lactation consultant went well and she confirmed that I am doing mostly everything right. I just have to make sure Lillian latches on well so I can start to heal. They are also really sore from getting engorged. The first few days at home I was nursing her all the time, so they kept producing milk. Now I'm trying to go 2-3 hours between feedings and by the 1 hour 45 minute mark I get REALLY sore and full. We'll get the routine down soon. I plan to go to the breastfeeding support group next week. That group saved my life when B was a newborn, and I met several wonderful women from it. Luckily the group meets when B is in preschool so I don't have to worry about getting someone to watch him when I go.

I feel less sad today but I'm still going to the doctor this afternoon. The feelings I had the past 2-3 days scared the crap out of me and really made me worry about my emotional and physical well-being. Because I felt hopeless and detached and scared and anxious and so many more feelings that are hard to put into words. Despair is a good word. Which isn't something new moms like to admit because it's supposed to be such a happy time.

But, my friend Lindsey keeps telling me to remind myself that this won't last forever, that I've gotten through it before and I will get through it again. And that I need to repeat that to myself when I'm at my most broken.

Deep breath for the day.