Seriously

I know I sound like a broken record, but balancing work & family is proving to be quite upsetting. How do you choose between a fulfilling career and being home with your children? If I had the choice, I would want to stay with my kids. I desperately want to be the Mom who's always there, dropping off & picking up, going to activities and helping out with the classroom.

But we need the money, so I can't be that Mom.

I rely heavily on my parents to do the picking up, and the errands, and the after school activities. And I am sad that we can't afford for me to be that person. If I did stay home, we wouldn't have the money to do after school activities or save for family vacations. Or have our car.

And then I think about things like retirement, and saving for the future. I used to have a "career" where I worked for a large company with fabulous benefits & a matching 401K program. I had a good salary, got to travel for work, and genuinely enjoyed my job. Due to a site closure, I got laid off when I was 7 months pregnant with my first baby. Which I was fine with at the time, because Joe was making a very good income in the mortgage industry, so I figured it would be a good transition to stay home with my 1st born and be a SAHM.

Then the mortgage & housing industry collapsed and we were part of a growing number of families struggling to find work and maintain a solid income. We had a savings ... a good savings, so that is what truly saved us for a few years during that time. I took on a part time job working a few evenings a week and that helped out, too.

Then Lillian was born and I stayed home again while she was a baby, not going back to part time employment until she was 15 months old. And since then it's been a constant struggle between working too much and not being available to my family, or not working enough and going "backwards" financially by borrowing from savings.

After all of this I am constantly questioning my role within my family. I want to contribute financially, but I want to be the Mom who's there for her children. And I realize that working outside of the home teaches my children the importance of a good work ethic and earning money to provide for our family. But am I missing out on their childhood ... are they missing out on me?

How do you make it work?

Addicted

Every night before I go to bed I make a choice.  I take a little orange pill and wonder if I will ever be able to stop.  I know how to quit but I'm afraid to start that process.  Will I go through withdrawal symptoms?  Will I get sad, anxious, angry?  Will others notice?  Will I act differently?

Every night I make the choice to take the pill, even though I think about not taking it.  As much as I wonder what will happen if I don't take it, I'm more afraid to find out.

I hate being addicted.

Normal

After Lillian was born, I went a little crazy.  Post-partum depression kind of crazy.  6 days after she was born I was sobbing in Joe's arms begging the powers-that-be to make me feel normal again.  I just wanted to feel normal.  I couldn't remember what normal felt like, because the days after Lillian's birth were filled with anxiety and fear and overwhelming despair.  I didn't know what to do; I didn't know how to function as a mother to two children.  At times I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  So by day 8 I was on anti-depressants, and by day 14 I was back to feeling "normal".

Months have gone by and I've enjoyed more of Lillian's baby-hood than I did Brandt's, mostly because of the medication.  It's no secret that we've gone through a TON of sleep issues, and over the course of 6 months I had maybe 2 nights of more than 6 hours of consecutive sleep, but the average being 3-4 hours at a time.  I've done surprisingly well, I think, mostly a result of being medicated.  But that was a whole other post.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I was horribly sick last weekend and I'm just now getting back to some semblance of normal.  I started getting a sore throat on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I was swirly and dizzy and my head & face felt like they had been slammed in a car door.  Saturday night was my first real parenting challenge.  I mean, I've been mentally and emotionally challenged when handling certain parenting issues, and God knows my patience is challenged on a daily basis.  But this was my first real suck-it-up and put-your-needs-on-the-backburner-to-take-care-of-your-kids type of challenge.

Imagine you are hung-over: nauseous & dizzy & a throbbing head & exhausted.  The only cure being a soft, cozy, comfortable bed to rest and sleep.  That's how I felt, except I just felt miserably sick without the booze.  And sadly, sleep & cozy bed were not an option for me.  I was up with Lillian rocking and nursing and rocking, and more rocking.  Which when you are nauseous & dizzy doesn't feel so nice. 

Lillian had been sick the previous few days, and Friday Brandt & I started getting sick.  Luckily Joe took care of Brandt so I didn't have to be in two places at once.  I finally got Lillian to stay asleep around 1:30am after being up & down with her about 3 or 4 times before then.  And she slept until just after 7am which was soooooo nice that I got such a large chunk of sleep.  By Sunday afternoon I was feeling about 70% better and I was actually able to get out of bed without feeling clammy & sweaty & dizzy & like I wanted to puke.  So, an improvement.

Lillian had her 6 month check-up today.  She's a chunker.  18lbs 5oz which is the 90th percentile.  I think Brandt was only 18lbs even at 6 months.  Anyway, the doctor was very reassuring when it came to the sleep issues we've been having.  He said to stop the swaddle and let Lillian cry, which sounds horribly mean but it's the fastest way to teach her to sleep on her own without relying on the swaddle.  I think I was just hoping he'd give me "permission" to do it, so I don't feel as bad.  I put her down for her nap unswaddled and so far so good, so here's hoping for tonight.

She also hates food.  I've tried rice cereal mixed with breast milk on several occasions and she always spits it out.  So I figured I'd try something more interesting, like pears and bananas.  Those made her gag.  I just have to keep trying every few days until she gets the hang of it.

So that's the latest.  I'm hoping things are looking up from here on out.  Because 6 months of sleep deprivation does things to a person, and I'm really hoping for more "normal."

Big Weanie

I'm trying to decide if I should start weaning myself off the Celexa.  I really don't want to be medicated forever and I feel kind of guilty taking the medication while nursing.  With Brandt, the most I ever took was the percocet & ibuprofen for my c-section, with the occassional Tylenol or ibuprofen after that.  This time I've been taking anti-depressants since Lillian was 8 days old.  I know it gets into my breast milk and I worry how it has affected her.  According to Kellymom.com, Celexa is third on the list of preferred anti-depressants while breast-feeding.  Zoloft is first.  I can't help but wonder if her sleep issues have possibly been related to the Celexa, because I never went through any of this with Brandt.  But each baby is different, so she could just have more sleep issues than he did.

My OB's office told me to start taking Celexa every other day for a week or two, then every 3rd day for another week or two, etc.  Until I am down to once a week.  Then to stop after that.  IF I want to wean, that is.  If I want to stay on the Celexa I will eventually have to go to a primary care physician for long-term prescriptions.  I think I have about 6 months of Celexa left under my OB's prescriptions. 

I'm really conflicted on what to do, because the Celexa has made a noticeable difference in my mood & overall happiness.  And my husband and my mother have both made comments that they like me better since I've started taking it.  (Thanks for that.)  And I know once I wean Lillian from breast-feeding, my hormones will go nuts again and I'll start to fly off the handle at stupid stuff.  It happened with Brandt so I anticipate it happening again.  I just don't know.

Is it necessary to be medicated to feel normal?

Guilt & Disappoinment

I disappoint myself constantly.  I don't have a regular house cleaning routine.  I don't actually have any house cleaning routine.  I have that "only child" perfectionist characteristic where I have a hard time starting projects because I don't want to get interrupted, so I figure if I won't have time to complete something from start to finish, why even start.  And since I have a three year old whose favorite hobby is dumping every toy in the house, I never feel like I make any progress anyway.  I can spend an hour picking up the house and 15 minutes later it doesn't look like I did anything.

I called a few house cleaning services today just to inquire about cost, convincing myself that if our house got one good deep clean, then I could maintain it.  It's just the initial deep clean that's hard for me to accomplish on my own.  The first place I called offered me a few options, and then suggested an in home estimate to get a more accurate price.  She told me they had plenty of afternoon and evening appointments because she "assumed I worked" and would need one of those later times.  How's that for feeling like a crappy Stay-At-Home-Mom?  I stay home all day, yet I want someone to come clean my house for me.  More guilt.  More disappointment.

And I'm getting fatter.  I'm eating constantly and it's always comfort foods because I've always been the type of person who eats when they're stressed or depressed.  Or bored.  I almost wish I could have my post-partum anxiety back because that was the best diet.  I had absolutely NO appetite.  I really wish I could get it together.  I'm turning 30 on Friday and I want to start feeling better about myself instead of feeling like a lazy blob.  I miss feeling pretty.

I miss feeling like myself.

How to Be a Crappy Mom

Just ask me, I'm an expert!  My 3 month old won't sleep.  No naps, up every 45 minutes to 1.5 hours at night.  If I weren't taking Celexa I would have broken down well before today.  But today is an official breakdown.

I called the pediatrician's office and the nurse told me to let her cry it out (CIO).  I tried that for one of her naps and she screamed for 30 minutes.  I picked her up, calmed her down, and nursed her to sleep.  I put her down in her crib and she's making noise already and it's only been 10 minutes.  If I rock her to sleep and put her down she's usually up within 30 minutes, sometimes five.  If I try to put her down drowsy so she can put herself to sleep she just gets super pissed off and cries.  She just wants to be held.

And she's super fussy all freaking day long because she's SO TIRED.  She doesn't get the sleep she needs.  And that's my fault.  I really need a break because I feel completely spent.  There's not much more of me left.  I want to feel pretty again, I don't want to always look like I just rolled out of bed.  I want to brush my teeth in the morning, but sadly that's the last thing that usually gets done ... so sometimes it doesn't get done at all until bedtime.  I want to have time to shave my legs.  I want to remember what it feels like to be good at something, because I feel good at nothing right now.  My house is a disaster.  I'm just sitting here crying because my whole body feels too heavy & exhausted to get up and do anything.

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far ... far, far away from here.

Bonding

Some people bond with their babies instantly. I am not one of those people. After Brandt was born it took me a while to really fall in love with him, mostly because newborns are so demanding with very little return on your investment. It's no secret that I experienced a lot of anxiety and sadness the first few weeks after Brandt was born but I thought it was normal baby blues. I was wrong. Looking back I see how I suffered from post partum depression then, and I can see now how much better things have been this time around.

I'm enjoying Lillian so much more at this stage then when Brandt was young. It's not something I'm proud to admit, but when Brandt was only weeks old I was afraid of him. I felt incompetent and questioned every decision I made about how to care for him. How much & when he should sleep, eat, and be awake. I had the occasional good day but for the most part I was miserable because I felt so out of control & clueless. I cried a lot. This time I feel happy. Of course I started out feeling overwhelmed and scared, but I am doing so much better now and I can honestly say I feel so very lucky to have two really good kids. And I actually don't mind getting up at night to feed Lillian because it's quiet time where I can just hold her and be in the moment.

I never really understood depression. I kind of assumed people could choose to be happy if they really wanted to be. I never thought I had any risk of becoming depressed because I always had to be in control. I was reluctant to consider medication. I know now that depression isn't something you control ... it controls you. I wouldn't consider myself to be on the severe side of depression, but I experienced enough of it to understand that I couldn't get through it alone. I don't know how long I will be on medication but I definitely feel a positive improvement in my overall demeanor. I have more patience, I'm happier, I don't let little things get to me, I'm more tolerant, I don't get as agitated, and I stay fairly level headed most of the time. I haven't cried since my breakdown when Lillian was 1-2 weeks old.

Life is good.