" ... or life is yours to miss."
I made the mistake of watching The Business of Being Born the other night and instantly had regret & sadness for having 2 c-sections. I realize there is nothing that can be done about it now, and that I have two healthy children, but I still can't help but mourn my birth experience. I don't really feel like I "gave" birth, or that I actively participated in any way. I was just a helpless witness to their births. The process of their births was something that was done to me, not something that I did. And that makes me really sad.
I realize that Brandt was breech and the safest way to deliver breech babies is via c-section. But I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I waited a little longer to see if he would have flipped head down. And if he still didn't, then by all means I would have had a c-section.
But I still struggle a lot with Lillian's birth. I should have insisted on at least attempting a VBAC. My doctor allows VBACs but the hospital that she's affiliated with doesn't have an OB on staff 24 hours a day, so in the off chance I would have needed and emergency c-section there wouldn't have been a doctor available. Looking back I think that I should have changed doctors to deliver at a different hospital. But there isn't anything I can do about it now, and there's a part of me that will always mourn the birth process I experienced.
An article was recently published by the Associated Press about the new guidelines for VBACs and repeat c-sections. Research has shown that women can and should attempt VBACs, even VBA2Cs (vaginal birth after 2 c-sections). So in the off chance I become pregnant again I hope to attempt a vaginal birth and be the one GIVING birth ... not just the one laying there on the operating table while my insides are cut open, a baby is removed & whisked away, and I laid helplessly in recovery for an hour before I can hold my baby.