Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Guilt & Disappoinment

I disappoint myself constantly.  I don't have a regular house cleaning routine.  I don't actually have any house cleaning routine.  I have that "only child" perfectionist characteristic where I have a hard time starting projects because I don't want to get interrupted, so I figure if I won't have time to complete something from start to finish, why even start.  And since I have a three year old whose favorite hobby is dumping every toy in the house, I never feel like I make any progress anyway.  I can spend an hour picking up the house and 15 minutes later it doesn't look like I did anything.

I called a few house cleaning services today just to inquire about cost, convincing myself that if our house got one good deep clean, then I could maintain it.  It's just the initial deep clean that's hard for me to accomplish on my own.  The first place I called offered me a few options, and then suggested an in home estimate to get a more accurate price.  She told me they had plenty of afternoon and evening appointments because she "assumed I worked" and would need one of those later times.  How's that for feeling like a crappy Stay-At-Home-Mom?  I stay home all day, yet I want someone to come clean my house for me.  More guilt.  More disappointment.

And I'm getting fatter.  I'm eating constantly and it's always comfort foods because I've always been the type of person who eats when they're stressed or depressed.  Or bored.  I almost wish I could have my post-partum anxiety back because that was the best diet.  I had absolutely NO appetite.  I really wish I could get it together.  I'm turning 30 on Friday and I want to start feeling better about myself instead of feeling like a lazy blob.  I miss feeling pretty.

I miss feeling like myself.

1 comment:

lesson said...