Seriously

I know I sound like a broken record, but balancing work & family is proving to be quite upsetting. How do you choose between a fulfilling career and being home with your children? If I had the choice, I would want to stay with my kids. I desperately want to be the Mom who's always there, dropping off & picking up, going to activities and helping out with the classroom.

But we need the money, so I can't be that Mom.

I rely heavily on my parents to do the picking up, and the errands, and the after school activities. And I am sad that we can't afford for me to be that person. If I did stay home, we wouldn't have the money to do after school activities or save for family vacations. Or have our car.

And then I think about things like retirement, and saving for the future. I used to have a "career" where I worked for a large company with fabulous benefits & a matching 401K program. I had a good salary, got to travel for work, and genuinely enjoyed my job. Due to a site closure, I got laid off when I was 7 months pregnant with my first baby. Which I was fine with at the time, because Joe was making a very good income in the mortgage industry, so I figured it would be a good transition to stay home with my 1st born and be a SAHM.

Then the mortgage & housing industry collapsed and we were part of a growing number of families struggling to find work and maintain a solid income. We had a savings ... a good savings, so that is what truly saved us for a few years during that time. I took on a part time job working a few evenings a week and that helped out, too.

Then Lillian was born and I stayed home again while she was a baby, not going back to part time employment until she was 15 months old. And since then it's been a constant struggle between working too much and not being available to my family, or not working enough and going "backwards" financially by borrowing from savings.

After all of this I am constantly questioning my role within my family. I want to contribute financially, but I want to be the Mom who's there for her children. And I realize that working outside of the home teaches my children the importance of a good work ethic and earning money to provide for our family. But am I missing out on their childhood ... are they missing out on me?

How do you make it work?

"Don't Carpe Diem"

One of the best parenting commentaries I've read in a very long time:

Don't Carpe Diem

Monkey Business

Lillian is 23 months old.  All of a sudden (Monday-ish) she started climbing out of her crib in the middle of the night.  I decided to convert her crib to the toddler bed so she wouldn't fall as far when she climbed out.  Last night was the first night of "freedom" from her crib.  It didn't go well.

I was up every 1-1.5 hours with her.  I couldn't figure out if she discovered the freedom and wanted to roam, or if she just kept falling out of the little opening near the guard rail on her bed.  Or both.  I am exhausted.  Joe is exhausted.  Lillian is a royal cranky-pants today because she's exhausted.  The crib-to-bed conversion didn't go well.

She also started climbing up the play kitchen in her room and standing on it.  I swear this kid climbs more than B ever did at this age.

Knowing When to Say When

I still breastfeed my 15 month old baby, partly because she is comforted by it and partly because I know she is my last baby and I'm holding onto her baby-hood as long as possible.  She doesn't drink much cow's milk, maybe an ounce a day, so I know that she needs the breast milk to compensate.

But I'm also still getting up with her at least once, usually twice, each night.  And it's not like she's a new baby that needs to eat every few hours.  It's just her comfort, and a way for me to get her back to sleep within 10 minutes so I can go back to sleep.

At her 15 month check up she weighed 22lbs 8oz, which is 50th percentile for weight, so I know she's getting the nutrition and fat that she needs to grow.  But I also worry that she doesn't eat a lot of solid foods because she prefers to nurse.  Both of my kids don't eat a lot (or sleep well, for that matter) and I'm getting quite frustrated.  I want them to eat 3 meals & 2 snacks a day, but instead their eating patterns are scattered and they rarely eat at the table for more than 3 minutes.  I've gotten into the bad habit of letting them eat on the couch, or letting them carry their snacks around the house.

And B doesn't eat well at all.  His food intake consists of a predictable rotation of chicken nuggets, pasta, carrots & ranch, lettuce & ranch, apples, pears, bananas ... sometimes green beans (with ketchup).  I don't know if I need to enforce a "tough love" approach and just start making 1 meal for all of us to eat and then letting him go hungry if he chooses to not eat it.  Then maybe he will eventually give in and eat something new?

I have a lot of challenges right now with my children, mostly food & sleeping issues that I need to remedy.  If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate the advice!

On Preparing for Parenthood

These 11 lesson for parenthood preparation have been floating around the internet and I have no idea who first wrote it, but I wanted to share. 

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.


Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.


Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?


Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this – all morning.


Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.


Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking, What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.


Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four-second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
--
I find Lesson 3, Lesson 4, Lesson 6 and Lesson 7 particularly relate-able.  Pass this on to any parent (or soon-to-be-parent you know.)

Lost: My Sanity, Please Call if You Find It

Me: Brandt, please help me pick up your crayons.

B: Why?

Me: Because we put things away when we're done playing with them.

B: Why?

Me: Because we can't have them all over the floor all day.

B: But why?

Me: Because Lily will try to eat them.

B: Why?

Me: Because she puts everything in her mouth.

B: Why?

Me: Because she's a baby, and that's what babies do.

B: Why?

Me: Brandt, stop asking why.
.
.
.
.
.
B: Why?

Love & Logic

I'm taking a Love & Logic parenting class and so far it has been really good.  I'm hoping to become a better parent instead of, you know, screaming my head off when Brandt doesn't listen to me.  Because that has been mostly ineffective.

The basic principle for Love & Logic is teaching children about personal responsibility & accountability.  And showing them that there are consequences for their actions, and using those consequences as the teaching moment instead of "punishing" the child. 

So far I've enjoyed the first two classes and I am excited to learn more in the next 5 sessions.  I plan to take this class again, WITH JOE, next spring.  As a refresher for myself and as a way to help show Joe that our children need to make mistakes in order to learn.  And that it's ok for them to fail.  And that we can't protect them from life, but rather we need to help them learn that facing certain struggles during childhood will only help them when they become adults.

Dealing

I know I haven't posted a lot recently. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff and it's been difficult to collect my thoughts for a coherent post. I am currently experiencing the "Terrible Threes" with Brandt and it's sucking the life out of me. The screeching and spitting and screaming and shoving Lillian.  And the "MINE!" - I swear that's all he says lately. I will be borrowing a few discipline books from a friend of mine so hopefully I can get some good parenting advice there. My sister-in-law has 2 boys (6 & 8) so she's been through this all before. I spoke with her yesterday and she assured me it's completely normal, but I can't help but feel like I'm one of "those moms" that you see on Supernanny that can't control her child.

My grandma is not doing well at all. I went to Phoenix on Monday to visit my parents and to see her, and she definitely is close to the end. My mom and dad have done everything to care for her, it's really admirable how much they have taken on. My mom has been making funeral arrangements and compiling pictures for a scrapbook & DVD collage. My grandma is 95 and has had an amazing journey. Born at home in 1914, she was not expected to survive. Her grandmother wrapped her up and placed her near the oven to keep her warm. Now, almost 96 years later, she has outlived her 4 younger brothers. I have many happy memories of growing up in her house and I know she will be at peace soon.

My parents had 3 dogs: 2 black labs & 1 golden lab. The older black lab, Bishop, passed away a week ago. She was very old and her legs just didn't want to work anymore. She could hardly get up and her back legs often collapsed beneath her when she did manage to get up. She was around 14 years old and my parents knew it was her time. Needless to say, my parents have been going through a lot lately. I was happy to go to Phoenix on Monday to visit them, and I'm glad they were able to come to Tucson yesterday. They need that time off and the distraction.

A Few Quick Things

I made a responsibility chart for Brandt.

He earns stickers for doing each of these things without protest. Some of the items might get tweaked while I'm still working out the details, but this is a start.  He also earns stickers randomly throughout the day for doing nice things or exhibiting good behavior (such as: sharing with Lillian, cleaning up without being asked, being a good helper).  I haven't yet decided on a reward system for after he earns X amount of stickers.  My sister-in-law suggested a Treasure Box of wrapped items that he can choose from, but I'm still not sure exactly what we're going to do.  And I'm open to suggestions ... 

Also, read this blog - it's hilarious.

Eating Disorder

Lillian was 8 months old on June 19th and she still refuses to eat "solids."  I've tried purees, yogurt, pieces of banana for her to gnaw on ... she really has a hard time eating anything other than boob.  It's kind of funny to watch; she gags and makes all kinds of horrible faces whenever I try to feed her.  But it's mostly frustrating.  And I've gotten some conflicting advice (which is nothing new when it comes to childcare).  The pediatrician said that if she's still refusing solids by her 9 month check up then she will have to see an occupational therapist.  But other moms have told me that breast milk (or formula) should still be the primary source of nutrition the first year and that other food is only for practice, and that I shouldn't worry about it yet.  But it's hard to not worry, since I know most babies are eating food by now, and I know Brandt was a rockstar eater by this age.  But at least I can rest assured that Lillian is not lacking in any way.  My breast milk seems to be sustaining her just fine, considering she is quite a chunky monkey.

Dad Life

This cracks me up:

A Mother's Day

From Pregnancy & Newborn May 2010, page 18

12:01am Greet the new day as you wake for baby's first nighttime feeding.

4:00am A second nocturnal nursing session has you head back to bed just before sunrise.

7:08am Big brother slept in (alleluia!)  Pour a bowl of cereal and turn on The Wiggles in hopes of a 10-minute catnap on the couch.

11:10am Lunchtime already.  (Never mind the fact that you're still in your PJs.)  Two PB&Js (one for big brother, one for you) and a ripe boob (for baby), coming right up.

12:00pm A nap is in order - for everyone.

1:15pm Recharged and inspired, squeeze in a quick shower before kiddos start squirming.

1:26pm Fetch whimpering baby from crib - so much for shaving your legs.

2:00pm Build a Lego tower, play peekaboo, read Green Eggs and Ham eight times.

4:44pm Text hubby to see what time he'll be home - and if he can pick up carryout on his way.

5:30pm Feed baby and listen to stomach growl (yours, not hers).

5:37pm Update Facebook profile: "Can't wait for my knight in shining armor to arrive ... soon with dinner in hand, I hope."

6:02pm Hand baby off to hubby, cut big brother's noodles into bite-size pieces, inhale pad thai.

8:00pm Read bedtime stories and put both kiddos to bed.

8:30pm Collapse with hubby on couch to watch TiVo-ed episode of The Office.

8:34pm Fall asleep, of course.
--
This is almost my day exactly, except Brandt doesn't sleep in or eat peanut butter.

Blogger Award: Honest Scrap

I was sent this award by Amber Koter-Puline at Beyond Postpartum.  Part of this award is listing 10 honest things about myself.

1. I am afraid of snakes, to the point where I won't watch them on TV or look at pictures in books, and I get a little bit anxious every time I go to the zoo with my kids for fear someone will be holding one outside of the reptile exhibit.  I don't want my kids to learn to be afraid of snakes just because I am, so I'm really nervous about how to overcome my fear for their sake.

2. I struggle with keeping my house clean.  I lack the motivation to get into a regular cleaning routine and I procrastinate way too much.  My bathroom is horrible and I really need to do a deep clean.

3. It's hard for me to not be jealous of other people's houses.  Our house is 1600 square feet and only 3 bedrooms.  I would love to have a bigger home but financially it's not possible, not to mention it's a crappy market to try to sell.  It takes constant effort on my part to remind myself that we have a nice house and we're above water, so we're doing just fine.

4. My son watches too much TV and that's my fault.  It's so hard to get anything done unless the television is on, because otherwise he takes out almost every toy he owns and scatters them around the house.  And that makes me nuts.  I feel really guilty that he watches so much TV.

5. I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to work.  I know I eventually will once my kids are in school full time, but having been out of the workforce for so long I'm not sure how I will transition back.  I worked in human resources for 4.5 years before staying home with my son.  I loved the stimulation and I always felt productive and like I was accomplishing things.  It was a huge adjustment to learn to be a stay-at-home parent, but I know I will go back to work in a few years.

6. My car is horribly messy.  It's disgusting.  There is stuff everywhere and it needs to be washed.  And it makes me a little concerned that there is a funny smell when I first open the door.  I'm worried about what's lurking under a seat somewhere.

7. I've always had weight & food issues.  In elementary school I was usually the "big girl."  There have been times in my life where I was definitely thin and felt good about myself, but food was never out of my mind.  I obsessed about what I ate and constantly thought about the next time I could eat.  After having my 2nd child the weight isn't coming off as easily and I worry about that.

8. I also worry about money.  Who doesn't.  But we're surviving off my husband's salary which is less than what I made when I was working when we had two incomes.  I want to join the gym again (see #7) but I feel guilty about spending the money.

9. I have never spent a night away from my kids, except for the three nights I was in the hospital for my c-section following Lillian's birth.  I don't think it's healthy for parents to spend 365 days with their children non-stop.  Parents need a few days & nights to themselves so they can remember what it's like to be husband & wife.

10. I like the color red.

Now I nominate the following blogs to participate with Honest Scrap:

Crazy Little Psychos

Just By Living

Just Another Manic Momday

Mommy Drinks Because You Cry

Perfect Words

A very powerful birth story that moved me to tears.

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

Labels

There are certain labels given to different parenting styles, like "crunchy" or "mainstream."  I haven't really found a category I fit into yet, because I'm kind of a hybrid of mommy styles.  I cloth diaper but I vaccinate.  I wear my baby part time but she sleeps in her crib.  I exclusively breastfeed but I will feed her store-bought baby food.

I kind of border on the "crunchy" side because of cloth diapering and breastfeeding, but I haven't gone hardcore hippy-mom and I don't see myself going that extreme any time soon.  Or ever.  I recycle the basics: newspaper, glass, cardboard, plastics.  I still eat meat and I doubt I could ever go vegetarian, although we really should cut down on the red meat we eat.  More fish & chicken would be much healthier.  I do try to use more natural cleaning products, and I've been using home made vinegar solutions for cleaning. 

I took this quiz and found out I'm "Pretty Crispy."  What are you?

Random side note: Lillian didn't sleep well last night so I had a lot of fragmented sleep, and as a result, I had very vivid dreams.  My favorite being I got to meet Michael Buble.  I think I kissed him, too.  Don't tell Joe.

I Couldn't Resist

Now I haven't resumed my nightly glass of wine just yet, since I'm still trying to catch up on sleep and drinking before bedtime makes me sooooo much more tired when I wake up with Lillian.  BUT, this shirt is hilarious:

To Wii, or Not to Wii

B got a substantial gift card to Toys R Us for his birthday and I'm debating whether we should use it for a few toys or to pay for half the cost of a Wii.  I'd like a Wii but I don't know if Joe is on board with this idea yet.  But for real, do we need more plastic toys filling up our house?  A Wii sits nicely tucked away by the TV and there's no clean-up at the end of the day (Hello, HotWheels, GeoTrax, Thomas tracks, Legos ... I'm referring to you).  And I think B is getting to an age where he could start playing a few entry level games.

But let's be honest, I really want one, too.

The Potty, Puke, & Jumping Castles

That was my weekend in a nutshell.

The Potty
Brandt has seemed to master potty training within the past week and over the weekend he started going by himself without us reminding him. And he hasn't had any accidents (knock on wood) even when we're out in public. He still wears a diaper for his naps and overnight, but I've recently noticed his nap diaper is dry when he gets up so I'm thinking we will be ready for no diapers soon. We bribed him in the beginning, giving him a hotwheels car every time he used the potty. Then I downgraded to M&M's and that seemed to work as incentive, too. But really, it wasn't all that hard. I feel like he was ready and I didn't force him and now he's totally comfortable with it.  So comfortable, in fact, that last night when I was giving Lily a bath he walked into the bathroom holding a bag of cookies, sat down on his potty chair, peed, and got up and walked out.  Never once letting go of the bag of cookies.  We'll have to work on bathroom etiquette ...

Puke
Lillian spits up a lot, so that's nothing new for me, and we've had 5 instances of projectile vomit. Like exorcist vomit, so it really freaked me out the first time she did it. And then there was the time she threw up all over a friend's couch ... that was fun, and by fun I mean horribly embarrassing. So I felt like the powers that be were making up for lost time because Brandt spit up maybe 4 times when he was a baby. And then on Saturday Joe came home from taking him to Movers & Shakers, the zoo & the park and Brandt didn't look so good. He was lying on the couch when all of a sudden we saw that he was about to throw up. Joe managed to get him to the bathroom in time but of course I was freaked out because, 1. He never throws up, and 2. His birthday party was the next day and I was worried he was getting sick and we'd have to cancel. Fortunately it was just motion sickness from swinging too much at the park, and he was fine after he threw up and took a 2 hour nap.

Jumping Castles
If you want to traumatize my son just inflate a large jumping castle where he can see it. We had Brandt's birthday party at Old Pueblo Gymnastics and the party package included a jumping castle. The last time he was around jumping castles he freaked out a little (ok, a lot) but it was 6 months prior so I thought I would try again. Definitely a no-go. We asked them to deflate it 10 minutes into the party because Brandt wouldn't even go into the room to play with other things while it was up and he kept asking to go home. Eventually he warmed up to his party and played & ran around and had a really good time. BUT, he kept mentioning the jumping castle the rest of the day. And he had a hard time falling asleep last night because he kept thinking about it. And he woke up in the middle of the night, too. And probably the 3rd thing he mentioned when he woke up this morning was the jumping castle. So I managed to scar my kid for life because of the jumping castle at his 3rd birthday party. Swell.

The Potty

We're making progress with Brandt.  Only because we've been bribing him with new HotWheels for everytime he goes on the potty.  That's getting expensive so I switched to M&M's.  My sister-in-law said that's what she used with her boys so I'm going to try it.  Lately he's been in underwear all day except for his nap & bedtime.  I know it's kind of a TMI subject but I'm excited we're moving in the right direction.

A Slow Death

Our baby swing died this morning at 5:15am. Lillian had woken up at 4:45 and I was hoping to use it to put her back to sleep. I set her down and turned it on then went to the bathroom. While I was in there I heard the swing take it's last breath, or more literally, make it's last grunt. It had been making funny noises for the past few weeks, but I just thought the batteries were on their way out. And the music had stopped working a while ago, but once again I figured it was related to crappy batteries. At 5:30 this morning when I was using a screw driver to unhinge the back and replace the batteries, I discovered that new batteries were pointless. I jiggled them, rolled them, double & triple checked that I had put them in correctly. The swing didn't budge. Not even a little click came out of it.

To be fair, we did use this swing with Brandt, but I thought we'd get more use out of it. So do I got out and get a new one or suffer through without and hope Lillian learns to sleep without it sooner rather than later?

I'm thinking of this one, because we're not going to get the $150 one that just croaked on us (similar to this one). Any suggestions?