"Forget regret ..."

" ... or life is yours to miss."

I made the mistake of watching The Business of Being Born the other night and instantly had regret & sadness for having 2 c-sections.  I realize there is nothing that can be done about it now, and that I have two healthy children, but I still can't help but mourn my birth experience.  I don't really feel like I "gave" birth, or that I actively participated in any way.  I was just a helpless witness to their births.  The process of their births was something that was done to me, not something that I did.  And that makes me really sad.

I realize that Brandt was breech and the safest way to deliver breech babies is via c-section.  But I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I waited a little longer to see if he would have flipped head down.  And if he still didn't, then by all means I would have had a c-section.

But I still struggle a lot with Lillian's birth.  I should have insisted on at least attempting a VBAC.  My doctor allows VBACs but the hospital that she's affiliated with doesn't have an OB on staff 24 hours a day, so in the off chance I would have needed and emergency c-section there wouldn't have been a doctor available.  Looking back I think that I should have changed doctors to deliver at a different hospital.  But there isn't anything I can do about it now, and there's a part of me that will always mourn the birth process I experienced.

An article was recently published by the Associated Press about the new guidelines for VBACs and repeat c-sections.  Research has shown that women can and should attempt VBACs, even VBA2Cs (vaginal birth after 2 c-sections).  So in the off chance I become pregnant again I hope to attempt a vaginal birth and be the one GIVING birth ... not just the one laying there on the operating table while my insides are cut open, a baby is removed & whisked away, and I laid helplessly in recovery for an hour before I can hold my baby.

This sadness is something that comes and goes, and I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself about my birth experiences, but I can't help but feel that I missed out somehow.  But I'm working on letting it go, because I shouldn't dwell on the negative - I should focus on my 2 beautiful children that fill my days with happiness, joy, and awe ... and a healthy dose of crazy.

In Case You Were Keeping Track

I had previously written about my period, which is probably more information that anyone really cared to read about.  But just in case you were really curious about it, I would like to confirm that I have finally started my period.  Just like I predicted.  My first one since January 2009, unless of course you count the massive month-long bleeding I experienced after giving birth.

Being a girl is so much fun.

A Change Is Coming

One of the many perks for breastfeeding mothers, aside from reduced risk of developing breast, ovarian & uterine cancers, is the absence of menstruation.  Yay for no periods!  I haven't had a period since January 2009 before I got pregnant with Lillian.  The hiatus from monthly cycles varies for each woman, depending on frequency of nursing & her body's own biological mechanisms.  Some women see their periods return after 2-3 months while some don't get their first postpartum period for over a year.  This helps with natural family planning for couples who don't use any form of birth control.  I know for a fact I would not have been able to get pregnant for the past 8 months.

Until now.  I can tell things are changing since Lillian is only nursing 4-6 times a day.  My body recognizes this change and interprets it as a way to prepare for a potential new pregnancy.  Open for business, if you will.  I know I recently ovulated so it's only a matter of time before I have to dust off the box of tampons.  I made it 8.5 months with Lillian, but only 6 months with Brandt.

Now for the interesting question: What will I do with this renewed fertility?

Hmmmm.

Let's Get Personal

I want a bikini wax.  I am, however, terrified of getting one.  Two reasons: the obvious pain involved, and the thought of exposing myself to a total stranger.  But then I think it's strange for me to feel so shy about it, considering I've had 2 c-sections which involved WAY more exposure than a bikini wax would.  A nurse shaved my area before surgery, for crying out loud ... and I had catheters inserted and removed.  Oh yeah, I also had random medical staff roll me around and put pads the size of diapers on me when I was still under the effect of my spinal and couldn't move my legs.  And I was passing huge blood clots after surgery, so they were changing my diaper pad every hour or so.  I really was a physical mess for 24-48 hours after my c-section.

ANYway, like I was saying ... bikini wax.  How bad could it be?  I really need to get over my hesitation and just do it.  It's on my list of things to accomplish in my thirties.

I have lofty goals.

Abdominal Surgery, Take 2

My second c-section SUCKED. I realize I never posted about the actual birth process for Lillian so I can provide a few details now.

Everything hurt worse the second time around. The spinal hurt going in and I felt a jolt of pain shoot through my right leg down through my foot. I got nauseous at the beginning of surgery so the anesthesiologist gave me something for that. Apparently Lillian's head was bigger than Brandt's because my doctor had a hard time getting her out through the same incision and the assistant kept pushing down on my chest and abdomen to get her out. The pressure was quite intense and I felt like they were going to break my ribs. After surgery I still had the itching associated with whatever narcotics they gave me, although I don't remember it being as bad as with Brandt.

My incision hurt a lot more, though. And it seemed as though the nurses weren't as eager to give me pain medication as they were the first time. I had to ask for it every 4-6 hours instead of them coming in and offering it regularly. And every time I requested the percocet and/or ibuprofen the nurses asked me to rate my pain level on a scale from 1-10, with 5 being like I was crying from pain. So I felt like I had to prove to them that I needed the medication instead of them just understanding that, hello! I just had my lower abdomen and uterus cut open so they could take a baby out! So of course I was in some serious pain!!

There was one night, either the second or third night, that Joe and I walked Lillian down to the nursery and I couldn't make it I was in so much pain. I stopped walking and was leaning against the hand rail on the wall and I couldn't stop crying because it hurt so badly. I told Joe to keep going and take Lillian and that I would wait for him. A nurse heard me crying and brought a wheel chair for me and took me back to my room. And then they brought me some pain killers. It seriously sucked.

The uterine contractions weren't pleasant either. Especially when I was nursing Lillian. I could feel my uterus cramp and it was like someone was stabbing me in the belly. The clots of blood were more intense as well ... way more than with Brandt. I know it's kind of gross to talk about but I was passing clots the size of baseballs. Yuck.

Once I got home I felt a lot better, so the first 3-4 days after surgery were the worst and I was in the hospital so at least I had help. And because I had a 2nd c-section I am destined to have more c-sections if I ever consider having more children. But if each recovery is worse I really don't think I will consider having more children. I am seriously thinking about Essure, which is permanent birth control, although Joe has hinted that he thinks permanent isn't the way to go since I'm only 29. Given my painful c-section recovery & my more intense post partum depression after baby #2, I really don't know if I could go through it all again. But at this point birth control isn't really something I need to worry about, if you know what I mean.

Poor Joe.

Bonding

Some people bond with their babies instantly. I am not one of those people. After Brandt was born it took me a while to really fall in love with him, mostly because newborns are so demanding with very little return on your investment. It's no secret that I experienced a lot of anxiety and sadness the first few weeks after Brandt was born but I thought it was normal baby blues. I was wrong. Looking back I see how I suffered from post partum depression then, and I can see now how much better things have been this time around.

I'm enjoying Lillian so much more at this stage then when Brandt was young. It's not something I'm proud to admit, but when Brandt was only weeks old I was afraid of him. I felt incompetent and questioned every decision I made about how to care for him. How much & when he should sleep, eat, and be awake. I had the occasional good day but for the most part I was miserable because I felt so out of control & clueless. I cried a lot. This time I feel happy. Of course I started out feeling overwhelmed and scared, but I am doing so much better now and I can honestly say I feel so very lucky to have two really good kids. And I actually don't mind getting up at night to feed Lillian because it's quiet time where I can just hold her and be in the moment.

I never really understood depression. I kind of assumed people could choose to be happy if they really wanted to be. I never thought I had any risk of becoming depressed because I always had to be in control. I was reluctant to consider medication. I know now that depression isn't something you control ... it controls you. I wouldn't consider myself to be on the severe side of depression, but I experienced enough of it to understand that I couldn't get through it alone. I don't know how long I will be on medication but I definitely feel a positive improvement in my overall demeanor. I have more patience, I'm happier, I don't let little things get to me, I'm more tolerant, I don't get as agitated, and I stay fairly level headed most of the time. I haven't cried since my breakdown when Lillian was 1-2 weeks old.

Life is good.

3 Weeks

Lillian is 3 weeks old today and I'm feeling really good. Probably the Lexapro, but I'm totally fine with admitting that. I feel better on the medication, and after my doctor appointment today I will probably be on it for the next 6 weeks to 3 months. Joe has also admitted that he likes me on drugs, so hopefully when my doctor "weans" me off the Lexapro I won't go completely nuts again.

I've lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks, but sadly I have at least another 25 to go. So much for not gaining a lot of weight with my 2nd pregnancy. I didn't gain 60 pounds like I did with Brandt, but I sure got close. I won't pretend that the weight just falls off (like the celebrities claim) with breastfeeding, although nursing does burn up to 500 calories a day. But it also makes me super hungry all the time, and I've been eating a ton of carbs lately so these last 25 pounds aren't going to melt off any time soon. But like my friend, Gina, said ... I've lost it once and I can do it again. It might just take the next 7-12 months to do it. And I'm really looking forward to going back to the gym, although I will probably have to wait until the first of the year.

Lillian slept for 5 hours last night, from 7:15 - 12:15. And since I go to bed as soon as she does, I got about 4.5 solid hours of sleep. Then another 2, and another 1.5 ... so I'm feeling a lot more rested than I felt when Brandt was a newborn. And that's almost a necessity in order to take care of B during the day. I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind if I had to exist on 3-4 hours of total sleep per 24 hours.

Brandt has been doing well with Lillian, although he's definitely testing more boundaries because he wants more attention. He also knows I can't always get to him right away so he will act out while I'm nursing Lillian or changing her. I know it's only going to get more challenging but for right now I feel like I can handle it. But once again, that might be the Lexapro :)

Funny thing about anti-depressants. Once you start taking them, and admitting to others that you take them, you suddenly find out that so many people are also taking them. It's a bigger club than I thought.

Improvements

Since I don't have a bunch of time for a more in depth post, here's the latest:

I'm doing a lot better. I don't know if it is the Lexapro kicking in, or that my hormone crash has somewhat stabilized, or that I'm getting some version of decent sleep. Probably all three. But I feel more confident in my ability to make it through the day by myself, and although my dad has been in town the past few days, I got through Tuesday all by myself without his help. So that's good.

But I wanted to post a little update so no one thinks I've completely lost my mind, or that I've been committed. I am doing a lot better.

On a Scale of 1 to 10

Ten being the best day you've ever had and one being the worst. That's how they asked me to rate my day when I attended the postpartum support group.

Today is a 4. Crappy sleep last night, I think I got a solid one hour early in the night, then a few 30 minute intervals thrown in until 5am when I fed Lillian again. Breastfeeding totally sucks in the first few weeks and I kind of forgot that. My anxiety level is up again, and I know it take a few weeks for the Lexapro to kick in so I'm not expecting miracles overnight.

My parents left a few hours ago, so when B wakes up from his nap I will be on my own until Joe gets home. I got dressed so I could take a walk with both kids because I NEED to get out of the house, and technically I'm not supposed to drive until Monday (2 weeks after my c-section).

I don't like anxiety.

Making New Friends

I started taking Lexapro yesterday because my feelings of anxiety and sadness were so intense on Sunday and Monday. I was really scared with how I felt. I realize a lot of it has to do with hormones after having a baby, but the anxiety was so much worse this time than with Brandt.

I also started going to a postpartum support group and it was nice to talk to other moms that are working through similar situations and feelings. I really want to feel "normal" soon, because at times my anxiety and sadness is almost debilitating ... where I just sit on the couch and don't know what to do next, feeling completely clueless and terrified.

I guess my temperament and personality aren't really suited for coping with this kind of stress. Some women are super moms and transition perfectly from one to two children. That is not me. It will take time for me to get into a routine and figure out what works best for me and them. But I know it will work out ... I just wish it would work out sooner rather than later.

Week 2

Today started off better ... so far. We got decent sleep last night, as in Lillian slept on Joe from 10 - 12:30, then on me from 12:30 - 2am. Luckily both of us can mostly sleep while we're holding her in the chair, even though it's not the greatest sleep. She ate from 2am - 2:45 including a diaper change, but then she wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of us held her, so I slept holding her until 5am. I tried really hard to get her to sleep in bed with us but she wouldn't have any part of that, so we just held her in the glider while it was fully reclined. My back and neck hurt a bit from that. We also tried the swing, which works marvelously during the day but for some reason she hates it at night. Yay.

Joe goes back to work today. My parents are coming to help with Brandt, mostly to keep him occupied while I'm taking care of Lillian. B has started showing signs of frustration. He has been really good, I mean REALLY good with Lillian and the new baby concept so far. Just this morning, though, I noticed that he has started rejecting me and favors Joe more. He didn't want me to sit next to him on the couch. He also is a little jealous if Joe holds Lillian, I think he has decided that the new roles are Daddy & Brandt, and then Mommy & Lillian. I know this will change over time, and he is still really good about the chaos that has been thrown at him the past few days.

I ate two pieces of toast for breakfast ... yay! Yesterday I only had 4 bites. My dad is bringing gatorade over because I know I need to drink more fluids and gatorade tastes better than water, although I still try to drink as many glasses of water as I can.

Boobs are still sore, but the meeting with the lactation consultant went well and she confirmed that I am doing mostly everything right. I just have to make sure Lillian latches on well so I can start to heal. They are also really sore from getting engorged. The first few days at home I was nursing her all the time, so they kept producing milk. Now I'm trying to go 2-3 hours between feedings and by the 1 hour 45 minute mark I get REALLY sore and full. We'll get the routine down soon. I plan to go to the breastfeeding support group next week. That group saved my life when B was a newborn, and I met several wonderful women from it. Luckily the group meets when B is in preschool so I don't have to worry about getting someone to watch him when I go.

I feel less sad today but I'm still going to the doctor this afternoon. The feelings I had the past 2-3 days scared the crap out of me and really made me worry about my emotional and physical well-being. Because I felt hopeless and detached and scared and anxious and so many more feelings that are hard to put into words. Despair is a good word. Which isn't something new moms like to admit because it's supposed to be such a happy time.

But, my friend Lindsey keeps telling me to remind myself that this won't last forever, that I've gotten through it before and I will get through it again. And that I need to repeat that to myself when I'm at my most broken.

Deep breath for the day.

Like a Ton of Bricks

1 week post partum is hitting really hard. I'm barely holding it together. I have an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow afternoon and I hope it helps to talk with her about all my feelings. I honestly don't know how people get through this, other than they do so I know I will too. But when you're in the middle of it, it truly sucks. I feel like I can barely function, trying to take care of a newborn without feeling guilty for not spending time with B. She hasn't been sleeping at night and seems to want to eat every freaking hour from 10pm - 4am. I just want to sleep for 2 hours uninterrupted. I have no appetite and I know I need to eat but nothing sounds good. Yesterday I ate two cinnamon rolls and a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. So far this morning I have had 4 bites of toast. My boobs are sore and bruised and I'm going to call a lactation consultant today to try to fix the damage that has been done. Mostly I just need to get out of the house. I'm going to get dressed now and take B on his tricycle around the neighborhood while I push her in the stroller. Hopefully that helps.

I forgot how emotionally draining this is, and I can honestly say this will be my last child.