Today started off better ... so far. We got decent sleep last night, as in Lillian slept on Joe from 10 - 12:30, then on me from 12:30 - 2am. Luckily both of us can mostly sleep while we're holding her in the chair, even though it's not the greatest sleep. She ate from 2am - 2:45 including a diaper change, but then she wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of us held her, so I slept holding her until 5am. I tried really hard to get her to sleep in bed with us but she wouldn't have any part of that, so we just held her in the glider while it was fully reclined. My back and neck hurt a bit from that. We also tried the swing, which works marvelously during the day but for some reason she hates it at night. Yay.
Joe goes back to work today. My parents are coming to help with Brandt, mostly to keep him occupied while I'm taking care of Lillian. B has started showing signs of frustration. He has been really good, I mean REALLY good with Lillian and the new baby concept so far. Just this morning, though, I noticed that he has started rejecting me and favors Joe more. He didn't want me to sit next to him on the couch. He also is a little jealous if Joe holds Lillian, I think he has decided that the new roles are Daddy & Brandt, and then Mommy & Lillian. I know this will change over time, and he is still really good about the chaos that has been thrown at him the past few days.
I ate two pieces of toast for breakfast ... yay! Yesterday I only had 4 bites. My dad is bringing gatorade over because I know I need to drink more fluids and gatorade tastes better than water, although I still try to drink as many glasses of water as I can.
Boobs are still sore, but the meeting with the lactation consultant went well and she confirmed that I am doing mostly everything right. I just have to make sure Lillian latches on well so I can start to heal. They are also really sore from getting engorged. The first few days at home I was nursing her all the time, so they kept producing milk. Now I'm trying to go 2-3 hours between feedings and by the 1 hour 45 minute mark I get REALLY sore and full. We'll get the routine down soon. I plan to go to the breastfeeding support group next week. That group saved my life when B was a newborn, and I met several wonderful women from it. Luckily the group meets when B is in preschool so I don't have to worry about getting someone to watch him when I go.
I feel less sad today but I'm still going to the doctor this afternoon. The feelings I had the past 2-3 days scared the crap out of me and really made me worry about my emotional and physical well-being. Because I felt hopeless and detached and scared and anxious and so many more feelings that are hard to put into words. Despair is a good word. Which isn't something new moms like to admit because it's supposed to be such a happy time.
But, my friend Lindsey keeps telling me to remind myself that this won't last forever, that I've gotten through it before and I will get through it again. And that I need to repeat that to myself when I'm at my most broken.
Deep breath for the day.