Tuesday, April 20, 2010


After Lillian was born, I went a little crazy.  Post-partum depression kind of crazy.  6 days after she was born I was sobbing in Joe's arms begging the powers-that-be to make me feel normal again.  I just wanted to feel normal.  I couldn't remember what normal felt like, because the days after Lillian's birth were filled with anxiety and fear and overwhelming despair.  I didn't know what to do; I didn't know how to function as a mother to two children.  At times I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  So by day 8 I was on anti-depressants, and by day 14 I was back to feeling "normal".

Months have gone by and I've enjoyed more of Lillian's baby-hood than I did Brandt's, mostly because of the medication.  It's no secret that we've gone through a TON of sleep issues, and over the course of 6 months I had maybe 2 nights of more than 6 hours of consecutive sleep, but the average being 3-4 hours at a time.  I've done surprisingly well, I think, mostly a result of being medicated.  But that was a whole other post.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I was horribly sick last weekend and I'm just now getting back to some semblance of normal.  I started getting a sore throat on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I was swirly and dizzy and my head & face felt like they had been slammed in a car door.  Saturday night was my first real parenting challenge.  I mean, I've been mentally and emotionally challenged when handling certain parenting issues, and God knows my patience is challenged on a daily basis.  But this was my first real suck-it-up and put-your-needs-on-the-backburner-to-take-care-of-your-kids type of challenge.

Imagine you are hung-over: nauseous & dizzy & a throbbing head & exhausted.  The only cure being a soft, cozy, comfortable bed to rest and sleep.  That's how I felt, except I just felt miserably sick without the booze.  And sadly, sleep & cozy bed were not an option for me.  I was up with Lillian rocking and nursing and rocking, and more rocking.  Which when you are nauseous & dizzy doesn't feel so nice. 

Lillian had been sick the previous few days, and Friday Brandt & I started getting sick.  Luckily Joe took care of Brandt so I didn't have to be in two places at once.  I finally got Lillian to stay asleep around 1:30am after being up & down with her about 3 or 4 times before then.  And she slept until just after 7am which was soooooo nice that I got such a large chunk of sleep.  By Sunday afternoon I was feeling about 70% better and I was actually able to get out of bed without feeling clammy & sweaty & dizzy & like I wanted to puke.  So, an improvement.

Lillian had her 6 month check-up today.  She's a chunker.  18lbs 5oz which is the 90th percentile.  I think Brandt was only 18lbs even at 6 months.  Anyway, the doctor was very reassuring when it came to the sleep issues we've been having.  He said to stop the swaddle and let Lillian cry, which sounds horribly mean but it's the fastest way to teach her to sleep on her own without relying on the swaddle.  I think I was just hoping he'd give me "permission" to do it, so I don't feel as bad.  I put her down for her nap unswaddled and so far so good, so here's hoping for tonight.

She also hates food.  I've tried rice cereal mixed with breast milk on several occasions and she always spits it out.  So I figured I'd try something more interesting, like pears and bananas.  Those made her gag.  I just have to keep trying every few days until she gets the hang of it.

So that's the latest.  I'm hoping things are looking up from here on out.  Because 6 months of sleep deprivation does things to a person, and I'm really hoping for more "normal."

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