Free Birth Control

After Brandt was born I had the brilliant idea (a result of much sleep deprivation) of inviting teen aged girls over to my house so they could see what having a newborn is really like ... as a way of deterring them from getting pregnant until they were 30. I also had a very important question that no one could seem to answer for me: Why do people have more than one child?

I was miserable during those first few weeks because I was not sleeping and I had so much postpartum anxiety that even when Brandt was sleeping, I couldn't sleep. Whoever coined the phrase, "sleep when the baby sleeps" must have been a man.

So the free birth control plan was a way for girls to know just how un-fun caring for a newborn actually is. Then Brandt grew out of the waking every 2-3 hours and we all started sleeping through the night ... when he was 6 months old. But still, we've been sleeping perfectly for a year and a half and I slowly began to understand why people have more than one child ... because they are amazing and fun and adorable (most of the time).

This all changed Christmas Eve 2008. Things started going south and have yet to get better. Brandt had been waking up during the night and we have the hardest time getting him back to sleep. He wanders out of bed and comes into our room. We bring him back. This goes on for about an hour. Then last night it happened twice ... once from 12 - 1am and then again from 2:45am - 3:30am, at which point I decided to bring my pillow and blanket into his room and lay next to his bed so I could try to get some sort of sleep. This didn't work, by the way. Brandt kept tossing and turning and rustling around. I'm sure he slept a little, but all I got out of the situation was a stiff neck and no sleep. And out of desperation I even tried to bring him into our bed to sleep (even though I'm completely opposed to co-sleeping) but he won't sleep when he's in bed with us.

So I am once again considering my free birth control plan. If you know anyone who could benefit from learning the realities of caring for babies/toddlers, feel free to send them my way. I'll let them get up with my son during the night.

I told Joe I wanted to call in sick this morning. Oh wait ...

Sleeping Through the Night

We're not anymore, and I'm a little nervous about where things go from here.

Brandt has started waking up in the middle of the night, climbing out of his crib and coming into our room. This started Christmas Eve and hasn't stopped since. Usually it's around 2am or 2:30 that he gets up, and it takes us anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to get him back to sleep. Then he wakes up again at 5:30 and is up for the day. Luckily I went to bed last night at 9:30 so I got a decent amount of sleep ... but I'm worried about Brandt. He's supposed to get a certain number of hours of sleep each night, and take a one to two hour nap everyday. Needless to say the naps have been a struggle as well. He climbs out of the crib for those and it can take up to two hours for us to get him to go to sleep for a nap.

Help?

I'm a Slacker

or ... my husband is a saint.

I slept in this morning. I let Joe get up with Brandt (at 5am) and I slept until 7:30. Then I went back to bed for another 20 minutes or so and just laid there. Then I got up to pour a cup of coffee and toast a bagel and realized I felt pretty crappy so I decided to lay back down again. When I finally got up to eat my bagel and drink my coffee, I proceeded to spend most of the morning on the couch while Brandt played all around me. And while Joe cleaned the kitchen, picked up toys, put the laundry away, threw out the trash, and started another load of laundry.

I felt severely guilty for this later in the day, once I started feeling better, so what do I do? I snapped at Joe and accused him of thinking that I'm lazy. He never implied in any way that he was upset that I laid around all morning, so I think the reason for my bitchiness was my own feelings of guilt because I was, in fact, just being lazy. And I know how much Joe does for me and Brandt, and that he needs down time as well. I guess I just felt that the past two weeks of averaging 4-5 hours of sleep every night somehow entitled me to a morning of laziness.

And now Joe is at the grocery store. And I will be leaving around 4:30 to meet my friends for dinner (because one is in town from Chicago and leaves in a few days). So I will leave Joe with Brandt, once again, all by himself for bath and bedtime.

I'm such a crappy wife and mom today.

Good Things

Some people I know (not us) won the lottery. They may or may not be related to me (they are). They didn't win the big jackpot, but they got 5 out of the 6 numbers so they won some money, however it is surprising at how drastic the difference is between getting all 6 numbers ($3.6 million) to missing it by 1 number and only getting 5. But winning is winning, and how great a gift it is to win some money 4 days before Christmas.

The people who won are truly amazing ... they have given so much of themselves (their time and money) to so many people, especially me. They take care of everyone else, and even though I can't give them gifts this year that fully express my appreciation and gratitude, in a way I think this is a little gift from a higher power. From someone who can thank them for the rest of us.

I feel like, with so many ups and downs that have happened this year, this could be a turning point. It's something positive to hold onto as a sign of better things to come. I believe (because I have to believe) that 2009 will be better for my family.

Christmas Card 2008

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder ...

I haven't seen my husband for more than 15 minutes each day the past week. This morning I was able to spend a whole 2 hours with him before he went to work. Then I go to work tonight (again) so we'll be back to saying, "hi" and, "good morning" to each other during the 15 minutes that I get up before he walks out the door for work in the mornings. Although he does acknowledge my presence when I get into bed at 11:45 (or later) every night by mumbling something about how he's sorry I have to work so much lately, and then briefly asks how work was before falling right back asleep 45 seconds later (while I toss and turn for 45 minutes). We miss each other ... a lot.

Then he found something that made him think of me and brought it home with him. Last night when I got home from work I saw it on the counter.

He would probably be upset if he knew I was writing about him, because he's supposed to off limits when it comes to my blog ... but I couldn't help it. So if you see him or talk to him, shhh.

A Merry "Little" Christmas

This pretty much sums up a lot of my Christmas "shopping" this year. For just a few recipients, mind you. But my holiday budget was slashed to practically nothing, so one has to get creative.

Bitter Blog Face

If you had the chance to read my post from the other day, I'm sorry. I only had it up for a few hours before I decided it was too bitter and deleted it. I was venting and I realized later that it read like a big fat, whiny pity party about how tired I am. We're all tired, and we all have a bunch of stuff going on right now and any parent would consider a day off and a full night's sleep to be priceless. I apologize for getting too cranky about it.

P.S. I slept well last night and took a little nap yesterday ... can you tell?

There Is Something Wrong With Me ...

... Because I enjoy looking at Zac Efron and I'm over the age of 17.

I can't help it. I first saw him in Hairspray and I didn't really think anything of him then. But then they put this picture in People magazine and from then on, I've decided that he's not so bad to look at. Of course I can't say the words, "Zac Efron is hot," because it makes me sound silly. So I'll just say, "I enjoy looking at Zac Efron."

Pregnancy ... the End Result

So aside from the weight gain, heightened anxiety, post-partum baby blues, and the constant feeling of having no clue what the hell I'm doing, there is one by-product of giving birth that I haven't been able to get rid of: sleeping on my left side.

I can't seem to shake this one and it's getting a bit irritating.

Before I got pregnant I pretty much fell asleep on my back or my right side. Then once you hit the middle of your 2nd trimester you start reading about the importance of sleeping on your left side, because that is best for the baby ... if you sleep on your back the extra weight you carry in your midsection can put too much pressure on some major artery ... or something ... and that might restrict blood flow to your heart or the baby. And for some reason your right side is off limits as well. So your left side is the preferred way of sleeping.

This wasn't as easy for me as it sounds. I fought it quite a bit at first, finally having to resort to using 45 pillows to prop me up and keep my comfortable. Fine, it was only 3 pillows but it felt like quite the process just to go to sleep. Never mind getting up 4 times a night to pee, only to have to get re-situated with the pillows each time I got back into bed. And if I did try to roll over to my back even in the slightest, I swear Joe had some form of all-knowing power because he would whisper, "left side" even if he had been in a sound sleep the minute before.

I managed to get through the remaining months of my pregnancy on my left side, but wouldn't you know it? I can't freaking STOP sleeping this way now. 22 months later.

Not a Fan of the Paparazzi

This Makes Me Cry

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ignorance is Bliss

I don't like to watch the news, primarily for stories such as these:

Nuclear or Bioterror Attack on U.S. Likely by 2013, Panel Warns

After having a kid I worry about this stuff a million times more. I don't want to imagine what can happen when terrorists attack again, because they will ... it's only a matter of time. And of course I can't escape that reality just by avoiding news channels, but at least then I don't think about it. And unfortunately there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent things like this from happening so that makes me feel even worse.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Dear Sleep:

Or do you prefer Mr. Sandman?

I know we haven't had the best relationship lately, but I mean this with the utmost respect: please stop screwing around.

We had such a wonderful relationship before .... I would close my eyes and then you would take over 5 minutes later. It was pure bliss. I know things got a little complicated after Brandt was born. I could no longer give you the attention you needed, however please believe that I missed you immensely during that time and I was not trying to ignore you on purpose. Those few months were rough on us both, but I beg you to let bygones be bygones and let's move on. We need each other.

I remember how easy it used to be. We had such a secure relationship and I knew you would always be there for me. I'm sorry that I took you for granted. My life is not the same without you, and we both know that this is not an entirely selfish request. Other people rely on you to make sure that I can function during the day. More importantly, you help me stay sane and keep my bitchiness to a minimum.

Lately it's been a struggle. Take last night for example: you completely avoided me for hours. This hurt my feelings greatly. I missed you. I went to bed later than normal, I realize that. And I worked last night, so that does make it more difficult for me to wind down. But I miss how easy our relationship used to be. Why does it have to be this difficult now? Can't we go back to the way things used to be?

I hope this letter helps mend our relationship because I miss you dearly.

-Karen